Day 1: Fluoride & Citrus

The flavor of being a loser is fluoride & citrus.

It's the same flavor you try your best not to taste when you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth. I taste loser in the morning.

This is my story.


7:05am: Woke up. Hate everything. Look at dog. Don't hate dog. Love dog. Realize dog is an evil genius. Tiny, carnivorous monster, who lives in my home and is often heard doing weird things at night. Could kill me easily at any moment... Love dog even more. Pet him.

7:12am: Eyes have adjusted to horrible blinding lights in bathroom after all attempts to brush teeth in dark fail miserably. Toothpaste everywhere. Look in mirror. Pirate facial hair. Professional pirate.

7:35am: Shower. Realization. Only hate Hitler in theory.

7:51am: Leave bathroom. Almost trip over dog. Look down. Furiously rub dog's belly. Dog licks me and wags tail. Who's a g'boy? He's a g'boy.

8:04am: Attempt to watch news. Robot in space. Mumble about SkyNet.

8:17am: At train station. Delayed. Woman walks by on cell phone, complaining about menstrual cramps. Know this because she yells "menstrual cramps" into phone. Still don't understand how pads and tampons work.

8:42am: Pretty girl on train continues not to notice my mysterious aloofness. Act more mysterious and aloof. No response. Try to plan out topics of conversation. All I can come up with is "meteors." Know almost nothing about meteors.

8:56am: Nap.

9:23am: Train arrives at Penn Station. Hate stupid fake bird noises emanating from loudspeaker. Hatch elaborate plot to release ostriches in the terminal. Almost walk into someone. Plot ruined. Either cancer patient or seriously ill Neo-Nazi. Assume cancer. Apologize and walk away.

9:30am: Drop off package on the way to work. Casual small talk. Realize I've forgotten what happened this weekend. Internal panic. Lie about car wash. Leave abruptly.

9:45am: Reach office. Put lunch in fridge. Realize I'm very thirsty. Look for water bottle in fridge. Nowhere to be found. Mystery afoot? Mystery relegated to wheelchair. Realize bottle is in freezer. Water totally frozen. Or is it? Open water bottle. Realize all too late that water expands when it becomes ice. Seal broken. Water everywhere. Oh god. Oh god, no.

9:50am: Disastrous flood cleaned up. Go to desk. Remember no one else is coming in today. Go to boss's/dad's desk. Prestige.

9:51am: Spin in chair.

9:54am: Too dizzy. Going to die.

10:00am: Bored.

10:02am: Attempt to write. Fail.

10:30am: Call security desk to see if there are any packages. "No packages." Find this ironic since both security guards are hypothetically women. Do not tell them.

12:00pm: Devour lunch while watching YouTube videos.

12:21pm: Look for cookies I packed. Cookies crushed. Pick at crumbs. Remind myself of bird. Make bird noises. Neighbors can probably hear me...

12:23pm: Make bird noises louder. Thoroughly entertained by thought of them calling the security desk and reporting that the guy next door is making bird noises.

12:30pm: Receive text message from brother. Asks about bow ties. Go to look at bow ties. Judge them. Pretend to be spy, moving around stealthily to get pictures of bow ties.

1:00pm: Send emails. Look for jobs.

1:30pm: Stare at blog. Type.

1:40pm: Publish. Await immediate sense of regret.