A couple months ago, I decided that The New York Times was no longer an accurate source for news. So I decided to write the headlines myself. And then tweet them. This is the result.
... Shut up, I know how lazy this post is.
88 days ago:
You know why print journalism is dying? Needs better headlines. "That Thing In Egypt Is Still A Thing Surprising No One" would be ideal.
Space Cancelled: NASA Scientists Very Upset.
Poorer Cities Allowing Citizens To Pay To Name Firetrucks: Nation's Five Year Olds Literally Shit Themselves With Joy
Republicans Continue Hating President: Obama Sad About It, Biden Laughs At Own Fart
84 days ago:
Colorado Still On Fire: Rest Of Nation Continues To Ignore Colorado As Usual
Taxes To Be Used For Useful Stuff: Republicans Furious
Republicans Threaten To Flee To Canada: Decision Unopposed
74 days ago:
Scientists Discover 'Really Important Particle:' Everyone Else 'Kinda Disappointed There Was No Black Hole'
Famous Old People Continue To Die: Americans Baffled
Egypt's President Orders More Democracy: Apparently, Yes, That Is How It Works
73 days ago:
Obama Has Less Campaign Money That Romney: Also Has Less Boring
Aaron Sorkin Teaches Us How To Feel About News That Happened 2 Years Ago: Everyone Suddenly Very Upset
72 days ago:
Russia Flooded: Bear And Sour Cream Aficionados Horrified
International Criminal Court Issues First Sentence: Not A Badass One-Liner
61 days ago:
Bomb Squad Has Bomb Disposal Robot: Japanese Continue Development Of Robot That Plays Saxophone
Obama Bans Charcoal From Somalia: Fox News Struggles To Come Up With Jokes About 'Black People.' Pirate BBQ Ruined
53 days ago:
New Polls Indicate 'Gay People Hate Fried Chicken:' Polling System Admittedly Flawed
Majority Of Americans Think 'Volleyball Shorts' Was Best Olympic Event
Everyone Still Pretty Sure British Will 'Ruin' An Olympic Event With A 'Doctor Who' Reference: Sad It Wasn't Rowing
52 days ago:
Another Olympian Disqualified For 'Racist' Tweet: Claims 'It Was Hilarious'
Kim Jong Un Gets Married: Surprisingly, Not To A Donut
51 days ago:
Michael Phelps Gets More Medals: Everyone Pretends To Be Surprised
Massive Blackout Hits India: Honestly Not That Big A Difference
50 days ago:
Gays Continue To Ask Americans To Choose Between Equality & Fried Chicken: Other Obviously Terrible Ideas Also Persist
Somewhere Out There Michelle Bachmann's Husband Continues To Be Hilariously Effeminate
49 days ago:
Economy Still Terrible
All The Celebrities You Find Attractive Used To Be Weird Looking Kids
"We Know Almost Nothing About Iran But We're Very Upset It's There" - Everyone
46 days ago:
NASA Lands Robot On Mars. It Certainly Won't Set Up A Series Of Elaborate Traps For Humanity. Certainly.
45 days ago:
Everything That Was Happening Yesterday Continues To Happen
NASA Officials Say Various Mars Rovers Unlikely To Meet Up To Form Martian Megazord
*HORRIBLE BUTT RELATED INJURY OCCURS -- TWEETS DO NOT*
16 days ago:
Michelle Obama Talks About How She & POTUS Were 'Raised Right': Republicans Struggle Not To Say 'Yeah, By BLACK People.'
As Always, Due To The Coming US Presidential Election, No One Else Is Doing Anything Newsworthy
15 days ago:
"Elizabeth Warren" Is Another Name You Have To Learn So Your Coworkers Don't Judge You For Not Watching The DNC
14 days ago:
Obama Makes Speech, Everybody Claps
11 days ago:
Video Of Man Kicking Dog In Elevator Enrages People. Dogs Still Generally Confused By Concept of Videos
10 days ago:
America's Teachers Have Joined The "Maybe Your Kids Wouldn't Be Dumb If You Paid Us More" Argument
Today It's Patriotic To Regard Brown People With Suspicion
9 days ago:
More People Excited about New iPhone Than About Mars Rover. You Should Be Sad. This Is Partially Your Fault.
8 days ago:
Libyans Band Together To Praise America So We Don't Blow Them Up. North Korea Fails To Take The Hint.
Romney Shocked Gay People Have Families. Will Now Stop Assuming They Pop Out Of Thin Air Like Actual Fairies
7 days ago:
Classic Children's Film 'The Brave Little Toaster' Being Remade Starring An iPhone. Because God Hates You.
Mars Rover Takes Pictures Of Itself Citing "There Is Literally Nothing Else Here, You Guys."
2 days ago:
Arsenic Found In Rice; Sort Of Like The Worst Possible Prize In The Worst Possible Cereal
Romney Shocks Nation By Admitting That He Believes What He Said; Politics Continues To Seem Like A Really Bad Idea
Apple Released New Mobile Operating System! ...Also The Space Shuttle Endeavor Takes Off For The Last Time But Whatever.
Yesterday:
Doctors Say Many Potentially Life Saving Organs Are Being Wasted. On People, We Assume.
Anti-American Protests Continue In The Middle East. Other Things Also Continue Not Changing... Turkeys Still Assholes
Everyone In IKEA Very Nervous About Clint Eastwood
Today:
Life Expectancy For White People Lowers. You Know Why This Is News.
Romney's Face Entirely Too Small For His Head. Experts Baffled.
Obama To Tackle "The China Problem." Seemingly Unaware Of Radioactive Dumpling Monster Covered In Lead Based Paint
Now that you're all caught up, feel free to follow me on Twitter @ashmaht and look out for the hashtag #AshDoesTheNews
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